GAMESCOM AAA GAME WRAP UP
By Tom Phillips
90’s real-time strategy fans had plenty to celebrate with the launch of "Command & Conquer & Apologize". Take control of the forces of GDI or Nod, but don’t take control in like, a mean way? You’re their boss, but you’re also their friend, right? Issue commands like, “Build a barracks, if that’s cool with you,” or “Attack the enemy, unless you don’t want to, y’know, I can attack myself, why don’t you guys just chill. And if you’re going all out for drinks later, email or text me!” And they don’t email or text you. LOVE this game!
"Dark Souls 2" is getting a surprise re-release as "Dark Souls 2: Ultimate Challenge Edition". If you thought the game was hard before, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. It’s so hard the disc itself is made of razor sharp knives, making it hard to even put in your XBOX. Oh boy, what hard game, because if a game is hard, it has to be good, right? This game is so hard that every time you level up, you have to write a thousand word essay on how hard it is. What a tough, and therefore, great game. Why, it’s so hard, the game puts the faces of the players families on every enemy, so progressing in the game means killing your parents, over and over again. But I mean, that’s why people like this game, right? Because it’s hard? Oh man, this game is so hard. It’s just not good.
GAMESCOM also gave us an update to the long awaited "Star Citizen" as developer Chris Roberts unveiled a new module that allows users to donate money four times as fast! Say goodbye to long PayPal or credit card load times, as the latest update siphons money directly from your bank account in exchange for a drawing of all the fun and excitement you’ll never have in this game. But hey, Wing Commander was pretty great, right?
From the makers of "F-Zero", it’s "F-Gyro!" It’s the distant future, and the world’s best sliced meat pita salesmen race their gyro karts around 14 all-new tracks! Choose amongst 6 different hairy, sexually depraved racers, including fan favorite Capitainithiithakiknos Falkonomicos..ithatkinanikos...toskos. These six overweight chain smokers who literally cannot shut up for a single second compete for the one thing every Greek man craves: a wife who isn’t Greek.
Sega tries to turn its luck around with the all new next-gen game "Chronic The Hedgehog". It stars a sassy hedgehog who gets so stoned that he never really wants to go out and do anything. You’ll call him and be like, “Hey Chronic, we’re all out collecting floating gold rings if you wanna join us,” and he’ll be like, “No, I’m cool, I think I’ll stay in,” and like, what are you gonna do, you can’t force him to go out. You can go over to his place, if your idea of fun is watching 90’s cartoons and complaining about all the opportunities you’re not getting. Oh, and don’t ask him when the last time he went a full day without getting high is, or he’ll get super angry and explode on you, then text you a labored apology that’ll annoy the shit out of you. I loved this game, 5 stars!
The latest game in the long running Mario Party series, it’s "Mario Lemon Party!" It’s exactly what it sounds like: an elderly Mario, Luigi and Toad all go down on each other across 20 fun new mini-games! Again, it’s not that complicated, but they really get balls deep in each others throats to the point where you wonder how they can even breathe. I mean, Toad doesn’t even have a nose, but he does have two dicks, in his mouth at one point, belonging to those plucky plumbers. And who’s that on the side jerking off? Why it’s none other than their green dino pal Yoshi, fellating himself with his own tongue to the sight of Wario bathing in Wa-Luigi’s piss. I mean, if you bought a game called Mario Lemon Party, this was what you were expecting right? It’s not like the game jumped into your Wii U all by itself, you weird perv. Anyway, it’s a great budget title for families!
E3 2015 INDIE GAME WRAP UP
By Tom Phillips
I’ve got to say, this has been the best E3 I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been going since all the way back in 2013. Now, in the interests of maintaining ethics in video game journalism, I will disclose that a guy from Nintendo gave me a small baggie of Yoshi-shaped cookies, but that has nothing to do with my latest blog article, “Yoshi’s Wooly World Is So Amazing It’s Like If Jesus Was A Video Game.”Anyway, here’s the latest video game scoops on E3’s hottest indie titles.
Coming to Steam, we’ve got "Religious Argument Simulator II". All the fun of thanksgiving with your family, in a mobile game. It’s got five new playable characters, including your cousin who won’t shut up about atheism, your weird aunt who says she’s always praying for you, and your dad who just wants to eat some goddamn turkey, can we please just say the stupid prayers. It’s not fun, don’t play it.
E3 saw the return of a long-beloved franchise with "Where In This CVS Is Carmen Sandiego?" America’s most edutaining criminal is back, and she’s stealing all the half-off holiday candy. Follow clues that teach kids about the rich corporate history of CVS, and you just might catch Carmen with her sticky fingers on a priceless electric heating pad.
"Where In The World Is The Roku Remote?", another greatly beloved franchise has also returned. Carmen Sandiego was hanging out at your house, and now the Roku remote is missing. Well, shit. Follow clues that teach you about the history of the area underneath your bed, behind your couch, or god help you, inside your own trash can on the off-chance it accidentally fell in there. I’m wasting so much time looking for this thing I could have just bought another Fucking Roku player. Thanks a lot Carmen Sandiego, you crazy bitch. Go steal the Sears Tower or some shit.
The 3DS gets a new brawler in the sequel to "Mike Tyson’s Punch Out", "Cicely Tyson's Punch Out". Fight your way through the baddest elderly black actresses on the planet, including Demolishin’ Della Reese and S. Epatha Murderson. Can you take the title off CCH Pounder, the CCH of course standing for “Crush, Crush, Hate?” If you can, you’re guaranteed a part as a wise old soul in the next Tyler Perry movie. Oh boy, can’t say I like it.
Fans at E3 thrilled to the all-new Steam-exclusive, "Turns Out, YOU’RE The Nazis!" The whole time you’re playing the game you think you’re the good guy, but it turns out you’re the Nazi’s. You hear that small explosion? That’s your mind being blown. See Dad, games can be art. The game makes great use of Wii-mote for the stage where you break down crying in the shower, four stars, out of like, a hundred stars.
Tablets get a new sim with "Rollercoaster Maintenance & Safety Inspection Tycoon". Visit real rollercoasters from across the US and make sure that the employees who service them are accredited. You don’t get to build or ride any rollercoasters, but you do get to ensure that their restraining bars are up to code. No matter how well you do your theme park goes out of business, because people really can’t afford theme parks anymore, it’s sad.
Coming to XBOX, it’s, "Super Guy Who Fired Your Dad Brothers" The 40 year old hipster who fired your dad is back, and he’s brought his trust fundie brother. It’s 8 action-packed levels of jumping on employees, sexually harassing interns, and using your corporate AMEX to buy coke via Venmo. In the final stage, you fight the physical manifestation of your once-bright ideals. Defeat them and you get to sell your business to a bigger company, then fuck around thailand for a year.
Mavis Beacon’s back, and she’s high as balls in "Mavis Beacon Teaches Vaping". Learn new smoking techniques like, “being that guy who vapes on an airplane,” “being that guy who vapes at the movies,” “being that guy who vapes alone in the corner at a party,” and “being that guy who tweets about vaping over and over until everybody mutes him.” Sounds like a great game.
Android’s getting a port of the long-running iOS game, "Let's All Feel Bad For This Bear That Died". You play a hunter who shoots a bear to feed his family, and spends the rest of the game feeling guilty about it. It’s won over 25 Game of the Year awards despite the fact that nobody played it. Even I haven’t played it, and I love it.
Put the pedal to the metal with the all-new kart game, "Speed Racist". You play the world’s fastest bigot, battling against legends like Racer Malcom X, and the Affirmative Action, Action, Action! team. Get behind the wheel of the Mach Things Were Better In 1955, and race your way up to grand wizard. Wheeeee.
CD Projekt Red delivers again with "The Witcher 4: It's Just Sex Scenes Now". The controls are simple: every time you press B, Geralt has sex with a hot elf, princess, centaur, or manticore. It’s not out ‘till next year, but it’s somehow already sold over 600 million copies. Could a sequel be far behind? No, it’s not: stay tuned for "The Witcher 5" the first ever game to come with lube.
The Nintendo eShop gets a great new RPG with "Chrono Trigger Warning". Now, a trigger warning for this review: it will contain trigger warnings, so if you’re triggered by trigger warnings, you may want to stop listening. Also, if trigger warnings about trigger warnings are a trigger for you, we completely respect that, unless respecting your feelings is a trigger, in which case, we don’t. Anyway, this game sucks, don’t play it.
E3 was buzzing about the upcoming PS4 action title, "Escape From The Friend Zone". Nice Guy Terry’s always there for his female friends. From picking them up at the airport to listening to to them complain about their boyfriends, there’s no inconvenience Terry won’t endure for all these girls who see him as a weird fat doormat. Can you send enough drunk texts to escape the friend zone? Probably not. Find out December 13th.
Maxis Milwaukee pulled the curtain off "SimGentrifier". It’s a new city-building game where you get to push the poors out of town as fast as possible. Build a Food Truck Festival, an organic cookie bakery, a Starbucks across the street from another Starbucks, or a mixology academy called “Stirrin’ Up Trouble.” Whatever you can dream, you can do… to these poor Blacks and Mexicans. Win the game, and you’ll get to build a three-story Whole Foods! A dream come true for whites.
Wanna play a fighting game without all that hard to watch fighting? Capcom North-North-SouthEast announces "Street Mediator II". Sit down around the community garden and just hash all this street fighting out already. C’mon, M. Bison, wouldn’t you rather launch a flaming human torpedo...of mutual respect? E. Honda, trade that hundred hand slap...for a hundred high fives! Help Ryu turn that Hadouken into a Hadou-i-can...forgive my enemies. Coming soon to the Playstation four-oh-no, no it’s canceled, it’s already canceled.
Well, that’s it for my E3 roundup, this is Tom Philips saying video games can go...and you can go buy them, they’re great. And Dick, you can go fuck yourself.
COMING SOON: MORE NEWS!